Is Wealth a Dirty Word?
Wealth – one of the most provocative words in the English language. A word so loaded with contradiction and nuance that to look at it objectively is a challenge few are willing to take on – it’s simply too… sticky.
And so, I’d like to give it some airtime, take the edge off it a bit – perhaps even humanise it a little. Because if we’re to have any type of relationship with wealth, it would be wise to notice how it makes us feel; understand how and why we interpret it in the ways we do; and, if we have it, learn how to use it in ways that honour our integrity.
When I look back at my own personal experiences with material wealth (my interpretation of the word can be read here) – specifically when used to describe my identity (‘with wealth’, ‘wealthy’ etc) – I would feel gratitude for the choices it afforded me (not needing to go back to a desk job after my first child, for example) and for the peace of mind it allowed me in the face of ever-rising bills and life costs. But at times, it also left me embarrassed, uncertain of my place in society, and, more often than I’d like to admit, bristling with shame.
I know I’m not alone in these thoughts. They infiltrate inheritors (of all levels), entrepreneurs, lottery winners and those who receive a spousal allowance.
Simply having more than is necessary to fulfil our core needs or having more than we’re used to can elicit complicated emotions.
But unless you’re planning on giving it all away immediately, these types of thought patterns – whereby you identify negatively with wealth – aren’t hugely helpful.
What our world tells us about wealth
To understand why we identify with wealth in the ways we do, we first need to think about what we digest from the people and world around us. We need to take a deep dive into the messages that rain down on us thick and fast from the earliest age – be it from our caregivers, our educational settings or our local communities.
Money messaging within families can be quite self-evident with phrases such as “we’re financially comfortable” or “we’re drowning in debt”. But the messaging can also be more insidious – phrases such as “we can afford to indulge” or “we’ll make do with what we have” carry a spectrum of undertones. Among them can be the overtly negative and pervasive narrative from the wider world, associating wealth with greed, corruption, inequality and entitlement – “filthy rich”, “fat cats” and “greedy capitalists” being clear examples.
These explicitly hostile forms of interpretation have dominated mainstream media, literature, popular culture and at times, politics for generations. We just need to dip our toe into the world of Charles Dickens or TV shows such as Succession to notice it. Or more subtly, it crops up in how reports of financial troubles are communicated (the 2008 banking crisis immediately springs to mind here – those pesky “greedy bankers”!).
In fact, this interpretation has dominated since the reality of personal ownership. And it is this critical portrayal of wealth, and how we relate it to our own circumstances (mostly at a subconscious level), that undoubtedly causes problems.
For the sake of ease and transparency, I’ll use myself as an example. I would never (until quite recently) have described myself as wealthy. And looking back, it would be fair to say we weren’t. Growing up in a single parent working household and the descendent of immigrant grandparents, wealth did not play a part in our family life, have any impact on how I saw myself, or give me any pause for thought. Money to ensure our core needs were met was important; wealth, as we understand it now, was not.
But over time, that changed. Today, if I was based in the US, my net worth would be in the top 5% of the population – and in the UK, more like the top 1%. I may talk about my transition through the wealth sphere as this newsletter progresses but for now, it’s fair to say I would be viewed as ‘having wealth’. And I’ve grappled with the concept ever since – it’s why I do what I do. And I am not the exception to the rule.
The outcome of internalising negative messaging
When we look back to times of old (13th century to be precise) it's funny to think that the word “wealth” simply meant well-being or happiness (weal meaning “well-being” or “prosperity”). It wasn’t a loaded term, and it held no power over us. A happy time, I like to think.
Since then, its meaning has shifted to focus more on material riches and abundance – and it is this material context of the word that has caused mayhem in the minds of those with wealth and the minds of those that don’t. It is the grip this meaning has on so many of us that plays such a major factor in my work.
For me personally, wealth wasn’t a foregone conclusion. It also wasn’t necessarily the gateway to providing the liberation one would expect. Externally yes, internally no. We don’t need to advocate communism or socialism to feel this way. It’s more often than not a sense that something doesn’t sit quite comfortably – coming in through the back door and melting into our unconscious.
"Our anxieties about money derive from the gap between our expectations and reality. The wealth we think we need can sometimes feel more burdensome than liberating." Alain de Botton
But regardless of where our more has come from – be it earned or unearned – getting to grips with it can manifest in unhelpful patterns and behaviours, some of which I’ve seen in my coaching clients, and some I’ve experienced myself. Here are a few of the more common behaviours that show up when we have a negative wealth association:
Concealing personal circumstances for fear of judgement or rejection
Stagnating due to lack of ambition or purpose in light of monetary security
Worrying over pressures to conform to expectations and standards set by family members (or partner’s family)
Anxiety over the uncertainty of sustaining newfound wealth
Remaining silent or panicking over lack of financial independence
Burning out at work in a desire to prove self-worth
Sabotaging personal relationships to prioritise making money and / or maintain professional status
Despairing in the belief that personal achievements will never measure up to those of a parent or superior who provided the monetary gift or bonus
If any of the list above resonates, please take the time to read through to the end for a little exercise designed to take stock of who you are, irrespective of what you own, and start thinking about living life to the tune of your own rules and values.
Wealth as a positive
But before that, it would be wise to give this piece a little more balance and take the time to appreciate the other end of the wealth identity spectrum – the one where wealth can (and has) been interpreted as containing positive and life-affirming characteristics such as security, freedom, opportunity, legacy and empowerment. All the good stuff.
This type of interpretation has gained more traction (or perhaps more acceptance) in recent years, as the realisation that working harder for longer simply isn’t that appealing. With little time to spend with the people we love or do the things we fundamentally enjoy, more of us are seeking different, more flexible options than the nine-to-five. The exponential rise in entrepreneurship demonstrates this. As does the emergence (and quick acceleration) of the ‘Financial Independence Retire Early’ (FIRE) concept, which advocates for saving and investing aggressively when you’re young to build up wealth quickly and retire earlier than the traditional age.
The Get Rich Quick schemes, around since the Roman Empire and adapted to the economic and technological context of the time (Ponzi schemes, multi-level marketing, cryptocurrency scams anyone?) are also showing no signs of abating and continue to exploit people’s desire for quick and easy wealth. And so, despite the negative interpretations I mentioned earlier, it appears that the idea of having wealth still reigns supreme.
Which brings me to ask the fundamental question: how do we consolidate our inner value systems (which may reject the idea of abundance or appreciate a stringent work ethic) with our primal desires to be free to make our own authentic choices, on our own terms?
7 Ways to Align with your Wealth
The answer to how we align ourselves with what we own (and flourish while doing so) is to get down and dirty with some mental heavy lifting.
It’s far too easy to sit with unease and shame, hoping it will all go away, when in fact a deep dive into the essence of who you really are (rather than perhaps what you or others think you should be) is the only way to move forward with unburdened shoulders.
I cover these 7 steps in greater depth within my Wealth Identity Programme, but here are some prompts that may provide food for thought:
Get your top priority values sorted.
Easier said than done and can take some time.
Think of five value words (as nouns) that come to mind (both instinctively and thought through) that resonate deeply and fundamentally make you you (these can change – we are never fixed in time). Examples could be loyalty, freedom, acceptance, honesty, humour, diligence.
By defining our top 5, we are paving the way for forming a framework to live our lives by.
Now this is the tricker part – look at ways you genuinely use your values.
If one of your top values is integrity for example (as mine is), how transparent are you when it comes to standing by your convictions or owning up to mistakes? Or if it’s family, how much time do you consciously allocate to your loved ones over other less important things?
By reconciling what you hold dear with your daily actions, you are not just giving yourself a pat on the back, but you will attract others who hold a similar code of values.
Surround yourself with like-minded people who use their time and resources in a manner that inspires you.
This doesn’t mean cutting off friends or family who use their time and money differently. It simply means deciding on how much influence they have over you.
As the entrepreneur Jim Rohn famously said, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with”.
Take the time to understand the mindset of those who hold a different set of wealth values to you.
More often than not, primal reactions can surface when our security is at stake – and we are not here to judge where that boundary lies with others.
This is especially true of the ‘wealth creator’ within families. Family wealth creators are complex creatures, (which I’ll be talking about more in an upcoming post) – but while they may not align with the way you see the world, the likelihood is that their early world was very different to yours. Understanding their background is pivotal for forgiveness and acceptance.
Define what Success means to you.
It’s a bit of a cliché this one, but it’s pivotal for giving you the impetus to jump out of bed energised. Only once you know what it is that you are striving for can you make it happen.
Bear in mind that this is not necessarily from a professional standpoint – “success” can take all forms, including a focus on state of mind, family life, balance and comfort in the place where you lay your head (to name a few!).
Get clear on your boundaries.
We are surrounded by other people’s opinions. Estimate how much time and thought you are willing to give to these opinions. Ask yourself:
Are these opinions clouding my own judgement?
Are they making me feel bad?
Are they giving me less time for my own personal development and ability to form my own opinions?
If the answer is a resounding yes, look at ways you can decrease how much you hear or see them.
Muting or unfollowing the loud voices on social media could be on your list.
Adopt a Growth Mindset.
It’s a phrase that gets thrown around a lot these days but in this case, it’s a matter of working hard to grow your understanding of:
a) What the minimum provisions are that make you feel safe and secure? There is no right or wrong answer here
b) The steps that are necessary to start working toward that security?
c) What the concept of thriving would like like for you?
Once you have these in place, the real work can begin.
If you’re struggling with conflicted feelings around wealth and its impact on your life, my 1:1 coaching sessions provide a supportive and empowering space for you to gain clarity, confidence, and a sense of control, with effective tools and strategies to help you build a successful future on your own terms - regardless of material worth. Learn more about coaching with me here https://www.wealthidentitycoach.com/coachingservices